My favourite subject "ME"

by Phil Cooper

Hello and welcome to another exciting blog. It’s been a difficult week at Blog Towers here on the cliffs above Dover. The recent storm forced me to cancel the surgery to remove my cataracts and my vision is still blurry so today I’ve been forced to regurgitate bits of old blogs. My run of bad luck continued when my nice new shiny laptop died. I have to say thank you to Amazon who replaced it very quickly.

 So let’s start with a selection of great photos from my stable of modelling superstars. These guys are all fantastic modellers. You can find them all on Facebook where they are very willing to assist all of you with advice and tips. Just say hello and ask them.

Marcus Pick

Probably my very favourite modelling photo, so atmospheric. You can feel the loneliness of the signaller, up there on a night shift keeping the trains and passengers safe.

Video:

Sean Selley-West

 A modeller with a quirky sense of humour, Sean is very talented and knowledgeable and is willing to help others.

Video:

David Styles

David builds epic layouts, brilliant

Video:

John (Chuck) Batley

My grandson, Harrison’s favourite modeller. Just look at the groundwork. Fantastic stuff

Video:

Brad Joyce

Great combination Two tone green and British Rail Blue

Video:

Neil Stanley

An insane genius

Video:

Right let’s talk about my favourite subject, ME

MY OLD SCHOOL:

Time to take you back to my first days in secondary school. It was 1967, the world was in love but at Inverness Royal Academy I came up against my history teacher, Mrs McKenzie. She was very sadistic, and I was the first to get “the belt”. My terrible crime was failing to answer Q10 Part C. Yes, one part of one question got me 6 of her best! Weirdly I quite fancied her even though I was just 12. My next problem was in my woodwork class where the teacher was Mr Beattie. If you are familiar with the animated video that accompanied Pink Floyd’s record, “Another Brick in the Wall” you can see Mr Beattie flying about beating up schoolchildren and eventually mincing them.

Mr Beattie did a first-class impression of that fiend. His woodwork class put me off ever making things. We were tasked with making a box about the size of a shoebox. I was the last to finish my “box”.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about James Fraser. I really didn’t like him. Mr Beattie assigned us various work benches and James and I found ourselves standing next to bench 7. Can you guess who was at the wrong bench? I hung my head in shame as I walked to the correct bench which faced the evil, young Fraser. At that point my dislike of James became pure hatred.

Moving on, I eventually completed my creation and took it to Mr Beattie. Now he had some eccentricities and a, cruel wit. One of his regular admonishments to a pupil was to adopt a whiny loud voice and say to the offending pupil, “Wood disnae grow on trees, laddie.*** “ So there I was at the front of the class with my creation which he held up for everybody, all my new friends AND James Fraser, to look at it in wonder. I waited for the ovation and cheering only for Mr Bloody Beattie to loudly pronounce, “YUK” at the top of his voice. Thankfully I managed to get out of woodwork the following year. So now maybe you can understand why I am useless as a modeller. Actually, calling me a modeller is totally wrong. I hate James Fraser to this day. And Mr Beattie! I took the box home. My dad laughed when he saw it but my mum thought it was “very good”. Thanks mum.

***English translation: Wood does not grow on trees young man

HARRISON:

My partner Barbara, and I had one child, Iain. The night he was born I was sitting down in the waiting room watching Liz McColgan running in the Olympic 10000 metres race in Seoul – she won silver-when alarm bells started ringing loudly the midwife told a nurse, “You better see to that. Philip can help me!” WHAT! I had seen some stuff on tv but in reality! It was wonderful and horrible at the same time. So I was present (luckily not helping) when son, Iain, popped out. Then the midwife told Barb to “keep pushing” and I thought OMG, it’s twins but then a collection of what looked like messed up body organs-Walking Dead props, came out! I hated seeing Barb in so much pain and I still think that women are incredible to go through all that! It still affects me to this day.

Iain is 35 now, all grown up now but he’s still my wee boy. He married Laura, his school sweetheart, and they have 2 fantastic sons, first, Harrison and, 2 years ago, Nate. I mentioned my complete lack of skills in the first blog. So, it was probably insanity to make the decision, 2 (now 6 or 7) years ago, to begin my project to build a model railway for Harrison to take over when I pass away. I saw he loved trains and used this to help us bond. Up to that point, I think he was a wee bit scared of me (I’m not the best-looking guy in the world and gum disease has left me with “fangs”) and he obviously preferred Nanny Barb to Grandad Phil and wouldn’t even sit on my lap. Once he saw my trains and my subscriptions for modelling magazines and others about the real thing everything changed. He would sit on my lap as I pointed out the interesting (to us) photos. I had been accepted and we were chums!

This motivated me to build the layout and develop it. NOT play with it. Who am I kidding? I started off with a Hornby Mixed Freight Set which came with DCC Control. I had no idea what DCC was so I visited my local model shop and asked about DCC could do. The bloke, Peter, I spoke to was brilliant and gave me all the information I needed.

MORE HARRISON:

News today that Harrison, my grandson aka Supergrass has dropped me in it again. In the trains room he found 3 empty bags of Wine Gums and rushed along the hallway to pass the information to NannyBarb. She wasn’t pleased!

THE FRENCH:

My most recent trip was with Barbara, Iain and his mate, Nick to Amsterdam Taking along one of his mates was always good as it gave me time to enjoy myself while Iain and whichever mate we dragged along got up to their fun.

We went from Ashford International to Brussels Midi where we changed to the Thalys service to Amsterdam Central. It’s verysad now that Eurostar doesn’t stop in Ashford This was a treat, so we went first class. Sadly, First Class on Eurostar was not as luxurious as in the early days of the service. Back then you were eating and drinking non-stop for the entire trip, but the seats are still very comfortable. We had a slight problem on the return trip when we took the Thalys back to Brussels. The Thalys was a disappointment, a lovely train but very slow.The train was very quiet, and we only had one other person in our coach. From where I was sitting, I could see he was working on his laptop. Several minutes into the journey I became aware of a lot of beeping noises and looked at our Frenchman gesturing him to keep the noise down. Being French he made a “Pah” sound and ignored me. Let me tell you here that I was a Brexit supporter and this Frenchman’s behaviour seemed typical, so I went to his seat and asked him to quieten it down in my weird Scottish-French accent.

Anyway once again he “pahd” and ignored me so I found the train manager a few coaches away and explained the situation to him. He followed me back to our coach and I pointed out the annoying Frenchman. The train manager talked to him and seconds later he got up to his feet, made a big show of getting his belongings together and, on his way to a different coach, stopped my me and had a go at me. The only word I was able to understand in his tirade was “merde”. Then he left. Minutes later the sounds started again and that is when I looked behind my seat to where Iain and Nick were sitting. They were playing with some sort of games console, and I realised I had almost started WW3 wrongly. I thought it best not to tell the “merde” Frenchman.

THE GERMANS:

I’m not a great lover of Europe or the EU. Pardon my politics but the EU seems to favour France and Germany. I feel sorry for the Mediterranean countries like Spain, Italy, and Greece. Greece has become a “basket case” since Germany “saved” its economy. I hate to wonder how Greece will pay them back. I think Spain is a country which has benefitted from the EU because I remember going to Lloret de Mar each year for our holidays back in the late 60s/early 70s when you could still see wagons being pulled by donkeys – don’t get me started about cruelty of donkeys. Now they’ve got the fastest trains on the continent.

I was speaking about the Germans. They are weird! And kinky!

Their model train suppliers make and sell figures of beach people including topless women. Why? I’ll tell you. They’re weird. German company Faller offer tiny nude bathers and nude artist’s models. Proving they’re not sexist they also sell male nudes. Busch sell model sex shops for you to construct.

Another German company, Busch, also sell “Naked man chasing Perky Pig Action set”. Luckily the naked man appears to be some distance behind poor old Percy Pig although as an action kit you may be able to position “naked man” up close to Percy Pig’s posterior if you really want to.

Also, from Busch you can get a “Naked Hiking Action Set” which features a naked man and woman looking at a map. They do like their action sets in Germany. I assume they’re looking for decent dogging sites!

“Ya kleine fraulein, der Dogging platz ist hier“

Another set is the “Naked Chef BBQ set”. Yes, it’s action again! And I assume that it isn’t Perky Pig on the BBQ.

There’re more “action” sets such as the “Dairy Cow Action Set.” I imagine quite a few people might be interested in that and it may be interesting to swap the figures. For instance, the figures of the Dairy Cow set mixed with the naked hiking scene could be interesting.

There is also a “Cucumber Picking Set” which you could mix in with any of the above. I’ll leave you to think about all the possibilities1

Just one more and this is in the best possible taste (if you’re German). This is “the Peeing Dogs Set”.

NOT ALL OIRISH PEOPLE ARE TERRORISTS:

Jimbo was a colleague of mine when we worked in Dover Customs & Excise. He’s a great bloke and runs me around in his car as I’m not yet allowed to drive since my stroke. Ed. Comments- yes yes we know you had a stroke-move on I should also tell you he’s Irish coming from the loyalist enclave of Londonderry but for some inexplicable reason he refers to Londonderry as just Derry. I think it’s an Irish thing!

This is Jimbo happily carrying out my instructions.

Being simple-minded he was fascinated using my mini-hoover to give the board a blow-job.

But sometimes he gets fed up with my clear instructions and can be a bit precious.

Soon after this blog was uploaded NannyBarb told me that a Mr Adams had called from Northern Ireland and he wasn’t happy!

PHOBIAS AND MY FAMILY:

I have to remove wooden struts off my Trackside posters I have a weird phobia. I hate (with a passion) little sticks. I’ve no idea when this started but it wouldn’t surprise me if my big brother, Robert, is involved. He was always doing disgusting things like sticking a match up his nose as I was trying to eat my supper. He was a very good and subtle torturer! So, I hate things like match sticks – so much so that I would never buy any “Matchbox” cars-remember them? And don’t get me started on toothpicks. Sometimes in films you see somebody speaking while he’s holding a match or a toothpick in his mouth. Toothpick, matches, etc. All these things are horrendous. Anyway, here’s some photos of the advertising board with wooden struts still in place.

http://www.Tracksidesigns.co.uk

While I’m on about phobias I should mention another couple I have. First is the Adams Apple. I never shave over mine because I fear the blade may open up my neck and my Adams Apple will fall out. Then there’s the drinking straw which is similar to sticks. I’m old enough to have experienced free milk at my primary school.

Some of my fellow brats used to take pleasure in sticking their straws up their noses I won’t even discuss what Michael McKinnon used to do with his! Finally, another primary school problem was when any of the other brats used to pull down their face revealing the goo under their eyes. I think my brother did this too. Did I hate my brother? No, I didn’t. He’s the bravest guy I know. He’s beaten cancer, survived open heart surgery and took his family to Australia in 1982 to give his kids, Alyson and Paul, a better chance of getting a job. Back in 1982 there was a serious unemployment problem in the Highlands, so it was a brave attempt to help his family and it worked but I imagine those first days in Perth were difficult as they looked for somewhere to live.

Speaking of his kids, Alyson and Paul, they both had horrendous eating habits. I remember a day I spent with them up in Inverness when I took them out for a meal, I’m not sure who was worse. It resembled the old Chimpanzee Tea Party which was held every afternoon at London Zoo although the chimps weren’t quite as messy. Paul would repeatedly cough up mouthfuls of food while Alyson lifted the ham off her plate, held it above her upturned head and dangled it towards her mouth biting bits off it. Sometimes she forked the ham and then held the ham and the fork above her head to eat it. It was horrific to me. I had to leave the restaurant! I blame my brother and, hopefully, they can eat with some dignity now.

No, they can’t

Here's Paul demonstrating his eating habits even now in Perth, WA

I didn’t want to post a photo of Alyson pigging her way through bits of ham

Lucky Australia!

Rob’s co-workers In Inverness got revenge for having to watch him chomp his way through several pies the day before he married his true-love, Mary.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME, HOPEFULLY

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The views and opinions expressed within the content are solely the author's and do not reflect the opinions and beliefs of Trackside Signs or its affiliates.