Greatest Hits

by Phil Cooper

Hello again. This week I’m going to be a wee bit lazy and, let’s face it, you’ve had your money’s worth in the last few weeks with some lengthy pieces so I was going to extract some bits of my previous prose to put in here for those of you who may have missed some of these literary masterpieces! And as a bonus I’ll be cutting and pasting some of our Facebook contributors’ layout photos AND I’m going to declare the genius who has posted me the very best of photos.

It’s my personal choice and you may agree or disagree but it’s my football so it’s my game. What I will say though, is that all our contributors have demonstrated a very high quality which buffooniums like me can never hope to match! But I try and I suggest you do also no matter your ability. It’s a great hobby. The fact is that railway modelling is fascinating and, for me, a real pleasure. I set up this blog to guide, motivate and entertain. So there’s been a few funnies in here too. But my priority was helping newcomers to the hobby by learning from my many many mistakes!

So, grab yourself a coffee-mine is a Ristretto Ardenza – very strong. I need 3 every morning

First, though, some more free publicity for Accurascale’s Class 55. It is a truly wonderful model. It’s their Class 55 Deltic which I believe will be in the running for Model of The Year and, most probably BE the Model of The Year.

I wrote about it a few weeks ago when it was getting rave reviews in the hobby magazines. Those rave reviews have kept coming, most recently in Traction magazine and Rail Express magazine. Traction, by the way comes out every 2 months. It’s a fascinating read and well worth your time and money. It mainly features trains of yesteryear (not all steam) with many lovely photos illustrating the articles.

It includes stories from drivers, railwaymen and enthusiasts and includes an excellent, if short, modelling section. In the current issue they have articles such as “Medway Meanderings”, “North of Perth”, “Freight in Ayrshire”, “Cross Country Loco Haulage” and their modelling review. That review is the afore-mentioned Accurascale Deltic. Here's a few quotes, “there is an astonishing amount of detail-the more you look, the more you find” and “it is exceptional value for money at today’s prices”. Those prices start at £160. eBay have a NEW 55002 Kings Own Yorkshire Light Infantry DCC Fitted and with sound for £287. I’m saving up my pennies to get one.

Harrison likes it very much and I wouldn’t be a good granddad if I didn’t get him one although he’d also like the new Hornby Azuma as well! He’s not cheap to run!

By the way I’ve just found out that Kernow Model Rail Centre is selling them for just £299.99- a great deal

https://www.kernowmodelrailcentre.com/p/66941/R3827-Hornby-LNER-Hitachi-Class-800-1-Azuma-Set-800-104

This blog has introduced some great photos from REAL modellers so I’ve decided to select a few for you and then name my favourite modeller. There’s no prizes. And it’s my choice. First up is Rupert Carrs with some terrific photos:

Great start Rupert but going downhill quickly, ME!

Well, that’s the booby prize sorted! We raise the standard again with Brad Joyce’s diesels:

That’s more like it. Up now is Ian Mundy with lots of BR Blue – you can’t go wrong with that:

Now on to a newcomer, Markus Pick, setting a high standard:

Moving on we have David Styles’ epic creation:

And onto Alister Titchie who looks like he’s not into “weathering”. Nor me:

And last but definitely not least. Sean Selley-West, the wonderful bloke who is willing to help anybody, even me:

I’m sure you’ll agree that these layouts are all brilliant But the decision, taken after a recount was for Boris Johnson in first place.

Sorry, wrong vote. The winner is ME!

I think we know that’s wrong. I’ll keep the winner’s identity to myself for a few moments just to build a bit of tension.

Sadly, my poor photographic editing does not do these photos justice.

That’s enough time for tension. The real winner is the remarkable David Styles. His epic layout, in my opinion is fantastic. It’s the layout we’d all love to have built If we had the talent and patience. It Is huge. It’s a display that should be exhibited but to be fair to David I doubt he is able to make it portable. My grandson (the other judge) whooped with joy when he saw David’s photos. Congratulations, David, let me know if you want a grandson!

In all honesty over the months all our contributor photos have been fantastic and brought my little blog to life and I’m sure they’ve motivated would-be and real modellers to work on their layouts. Thank you. All of you.

Special mentions too to Sean Selley-West “and new boy” Marcus Pick. Sean is a real craftsman, patient and precise. He is available for advice and welcomes it. The new boy, Marcus Pick, has real potential and even Mr Styles has said that he likes it-high praise indeed. Marcus’ photo of a night time signal box, was for me, the best photo I’ve seen on my blog and I‘m hungry for more. It’s a masterpiece. I feel that I could climb the stairs and walk in for a night shift. Here it is again:

Brilliant

I’m aware that some readers have discovered this blog late and have missed out on some of my anecdotes, so I’ve listed a few of them here. Remember the blog is written to advise (by explaining my many mistakes), inspire (with the great photos from REAL modellers) and entertain. So here we go starting off with my dad

DAD:

My connection to the railway is with my dad who was a train driver based in Inverness. He loved his job, and he got me a job washing coaches in the Summer of 1973. It was great fun with some terrific colleagues always up for a laugh and a beer or four. He began his driving days on steam engines. I can remember him cycling home after a torrid day on the footplate. Dad was quite a character. He was a fast driver and had the nickname “Slash”. He had no time for “management”.

I remember him once coming home and proudly telling a story that 2 members of the British Rail hierarchy were on board his train. One gentleman had the temerity to have a moan saying that Dad drove the train well but a jolt between Aviemore and Inverness caused him to spill some of his coffee. Dad simply gave him 20p for another coffee and left them on the platform. Dad knew how to lose friends and gain enemies!

MY OLD SCHOOL:

Time to take you back to my first days in secondary school. It was 1967, the world was in love but at Inverness Royal Academy I came up against my history teacher, Mrs McKenzie. She was very sadistic, and I was the first to get “the belt”. My terrible crime was failing to answer Q10 Part C. Yes, one part of one question got me 6 of her best! Weirdly I quite fancied her even though I was just 12. My next problem was in my woodwork class where the teacher was Mr Beattie. If you are familiar with the animated video that accompanied Pink Floyd’s record, “Another Brick in the Wall” you can see Mr Beattie flying about beating up schoolchildren and eventually mincing them.

Mr Beattie did a first-class impression of that fiend. His woodwork class put me off ever making things. We were tasked with making a box about the size of a shoebox. I was the last to finish my “box”.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about James Fraser. I really didn’t like him. Mr Beattie assigned us various work benches and James and I found ourselves standing next to bench 7. Can you guess who was at the wrong bench? I hung my head in shame as I walked to the correct bench which faced the evil, young Fraser. At that point my dislike of James became pure hatred.

Moving on, I eventually completed my creation and took it to Mr Beattie. Now he had some eccentricities and a, cruel wit. One of his regular admonishments to a pupil was to adopt a whiny loud voice and say to the offending pupil, “Wood disnae grow on trees, laddie.*** “ So there I was at the front of the class with my creation which he held up for everybody, all my new friends AND James Fraser, to look at it in wonder. I waited for the ovation and cheering only for Mr Bloody Beattie to loudly pronounce, “YUK” at the top of his voice. Thankfully I managed to get out of woodwork the following year. So now maybe you can understand why I am useless as a modeller. Actually, calling me a modeller is totally wrong. I hate James Fraser to this day. And Mr Beattie! I took the box home. My dad laughed when he saw it but my mum thought it was “very good”. Thanks mum.

***English translation: Wood does not grow on trees young man

HARRISON:

My partner Barbara, and I had one child, Iain. The night he was born I was sitting down in the waiting room watching Liz McColgan running in the Olympic 10000 metres race in Seoul – she won silver-when alarm bells started ringing loudly the midwife told a nurse, “You better see to that. Philip can help me!” WHAT! I had seen some stuff on tv but in reality, it was wonderful and horrible at the same time. So I was present (luckily not helping) when son, Iain, popped out. Then the midwife told Barb to “keep pushing” and I thought OMG, it’s twins but then a collection of what looked like messed up body organs-Walking Dead props, came out! I hated seeing Barb in so much pain and I still think that women are incredible to go through all that! It still affects me to this day.

Iain is all grown up now but he’s still my wee boy. He married Laura, his school sweetheart, and they have 2 fantastic sons, first, Harrison and, a year ago, Nate. I mentioned my complete lack of skills in the first blog. So, it was probably insanity to make the decision, 2 (now 5 or 6) years ago, to begin my project to build a model railway for Harrison to take over when I soon pass away. I saw he loved trains and used this to help us bond. Up to that point, I think he was a wee bit scared of me (I’m not the best-looking guy in the world and gum disease has left me with “fangs”) and he obviously preferred Nanny Barb to Grandad Phil and wouldn’t even sit on my lap. Once he saw my trains and my subscriptions for modelling magazines and others about the real thing everything changed. He would sit on my lap as I pointed out the interesting (to us) photos. I had been accepted and we were chums!

This motivated me to build the layout and develop it. NOT play with it. Who am I kidding? I started off with a Hornby Mixed Freight Set which came with DCC Control. I had no idea what DCC was so I visited my local model shop and asked about DCC could do. The bloke, Peter, I spoke to was brilliant and gave me all the information I needed.  

MORE HARRISON:

News today that Harrison, my grandson aka Supergrass has dropped me in it again. In the trains room he found 3 empty bags of Wine Gums and rushed along the hallway to pass the information to NannyBarb. She wasn’t pleased!

SIMON KOHLER IS GOD:

I love Hornby. They’re a real British institution and we should be proud of the organisation headed by Simon Kohler. A brilliant source of information is the Forum in hornby.com. There are some very knowledgeable people in there and they put up with even my daft questions. I suspect many are former Hornby employees because their knowledge is incredible. In that same Hornby website, I urge you to subscribe because their “Product Support” is excellent. Several months ago, I had an online chat with Mr Hornby, Simon Kohler. He was very patient with me fully answering my questions and I was left with the feeling that he was a “good bloke” and I think Hornby’s continuing popularity is very much down to him.  

I’m always surprised reading about some new-to-the-hobby modellers who aren’t sure about DCC. In my opinion it is brilliant. Yes, DCC chipped locos are more (about £30) expensive than analogue, but DCC is the future. The potential is enormous. You can control locomotives, signals, points and lights with just your basic Hornby Select controller. I already had some locomotives, the Eurostar and an old Lima Class 26 I had bought these for Iain almost 30 years previously. Unfortunately, Iain didn’t take to the Eurostar set which I had bought for him back then. So that Eurostar and “26” had been sitting in boxes under my bed, not the best place to store anything! But I wanted to give them a go on my new layout. I placed them on the track without any confidence. But amazingly they both roared into life immediately.

They didn’t even need a push! That gives you an idea just how good these model locomotives are. Even now I think the quality of model locomotives is incredible and things like track which connect perfectly. They are incredible pieces of precision engineering. They are NOT toys! So, from Day One I was making progress. I owned one small steam engine, a shunter, a Eurostar, and a Class 26 diesel. Now 2 years later Harrison and I own 25 locomotives, about 40 coaches and 35 trucks, tankers and containers as well as a lot of track (thanks to my ballasting Hell I used a lot of track).

At the time of writing, I’ve looked back at all my purchases from model shops, eBay, and Amazon. It’s taken me 2 years to find the layout I wanted It’s also cost me, so far, £xxxx. It’s an expensive addiction!

NANNYBARB & HARRISON AKA SUPERGRASS:

NannyBarb doesn’t share my love of small trains and I have had to devise schemes to get them into the house. As a former Customs officer I had a good knowledge of the art of smuggling. My first smuggling scheme involved me telling Barbara that one of my locomotives, a Class 43 HST wasn’t working. In fact, it was fine, and Barbara didn’t even check that I was telling the truth. When she asked why it wasn’t working, I told her Harrison (grandson) dropped it on the floor. I know, I know, I know, I’m a very bad person.  

The addition of sound to locos is still quite new and, usually, expensive (About £100+). But it’s well worth the money. Firstly, I liked the directional lights that now come almost as standard on most locos, and sound is a MUST now too. I love the sounds of diesel engines and, even, the chuff chuff of steam locomotives.

I’ll get back to my smuggling operation, a few days later the “replacement” 43 arrived from Hornby We are regular Amazon customers, so Barbara was used to receiving stuff from Amazon with packaging from at least 10 trees! I hope you’re keeping up with my villainous treachery. I left the package unopened in clear sight until 3 days later when Iain and Laura turned up with Harrison. Harrison’s first question on arrival now is, “What trains are on the track, Grand dad?” So, I led him into the train room where I had placed both 43s on track and they were prowling round the track. The new one came with a sound chip and speaker with that great jet noise from the Valenta engine.

And then I was betrayed by a 5-year-old with the words, “Nanny Barb, come and see Granddad’s new 43. He’s got two now” My life flashed before my eyes as I heard “Nanny Barb” marching along the hallway. The look I got froze me. I tried to explain that I had repaired the first 43 but Barbara knew that was very unlikely. Needless to say, I was sent to bed early that night with no tea. Thank you, Harrison, you little traitor! But to be fair I suppose it was Karma after me blaming my wee grandson for “breaking” the Class 43.

JACOBITE SAUSAGES:

Many years ago, I actually got a sausage and breakfast bap which had been cooked in the smoke box of a steam engine (The Jacobite) in Fort William. I’m not sure how hygienic it was but it tasted great. I’m biased being a Highlander but that trip to Mallaig is a MUST for everybody. My vocabulary does it no justice.

Here's a tip when you ride the Jacobite-Take a seat toward the rear of the train on your left as you go further. Tick your camera safely out of the window on the Glenfinnan Viaduct to get the classic photo of the train bending to the left. On the return journey take a seat on the right side to get THAT photo again or if you missed it on the way.

 THE FRENCH:

My most recent trip was with Barbara, Iain and his mate, Nick. Taking along one of his mates was always good as it gave me time to enjoy myself while Iain and whichever mate we took along got up to their fun.

We went from Ashford International to Brussels Midi where we changed to the Thalys service to Amsterdam Central. This was a treat, so we went first class. Sadly, First Class on Eurostar was not as luxurious as in the early days of the service. Back then you were eating and drinking non-stop for the entire trip, but the seats are still very comfortable. We had a slight problem on the return trip when we took the Thalys back to Brussels. The train was very quiet, and we only had one other person in the coach. From where I was sitting, I could see he was working on his laptop. Several minutes into the journey I became aware of a lot of beeping noises and looked at our Frenchman gesturing him to keep the noise down. Being French he made a “Pah” sound and ignored me. Let me tell you here that I was a Brexit supporter and this Frenchman’s behaviour seemed typical, so I went to his seat and asked him to quieten it down in my weird Scottish-French accent.

Anyway once again he “pahd” and ignored me so I found the train manager a few coaches away and explained the situation to him. He followed me back to our coach and I pointed out the annoying Frenchman. The train manager talked to him and seconds later he got up to his feet, made a big show of getting his belongings together and, on his way to a different coach, stopped my me and had a go at me. The only word I was able to understand in his tirade was “merde”. Then he left. Minutes later the sounds started again and that is when I looked behind my seat to where Iain and Nick were sitting. They were playing with some sort of games console, and I realised I had almost started WW3 wrongly. I thought it best not to tell the “merde” Frenchman.

THE GERMANS:

I’m not a great lover of Europe or the EU. Pardon my politics but the EU seems to favour France and Germany. I feel sorry for the Mediterranean countries like Spain, Italy, and Greece. Greece has become a “basket case” since Germany “saved” its economy. I hate to wonder how Greece will pay them back. I think Spain is a country which has benefitted from the EU because I remember going to Lloret de Mar each year for our holidays back in the late 60s/early 70s when you could still see wagons being pulled by donkeys – don’t get me started about cruelty of donkeys. Now they’ve got the fastest trains on the continent.

More recently we’ve holidayed in Javea on the Costa Blanca just south of Valencia regularly for the past 8 years. It’s a great place for a holiday. There are no tall buildings. The weather is always “scorchio” and there’s lots to do. But I noticed that there are now no farmers using donkeys anymore. All the farmers and everybody else drive round in 4x4s.

Bearing in mind that it’s just up the coast from Benidorm you would be positively surprised that Javea (Xabia) is such a peaceful place. I recommend a visit to Valencia which is a beautiful city. However, you must take a train from Denia, just up the coast. Spanish rail fares are not expensive.

OK after that, I’ll get back on track. I was speaking about the Germans. They are weird! And kinky!

Their model train suppliers make and sell figures of beach people including topless women. Why? I’ll tell you. They’re weird. German company Faller offer tiny nude bathers and nude artist’s models. Proving they’re not sexist they also sell male nudes. Busch sell model sex shops for you to construct.

Another German company, Busch, also sell “Naked man chasing Perky Pig Action set”. Luckily the naked man appears to be some distance behind poor old Percy Pig although as an action kit you may be able to position “naked man” up close to Percy Pig’s posterior if you really want to.

Also, from Busch you can get a “Naked Hiking Action Set” which features a naked man and woman looking at a map. They do like their action sets in Germany. I assume they’re looking for decent dogging sites!

“Ya kleine fraulein, der Dogging platz ist hier“

Another set is the “Naked Chef BBQ set”. Yes, it’s action again! And I assume that it isn’t Perky Pig on the BBQ.

There’re more “action” sets such as the “Dairy Cow Action Set.” I imagine quite a few people might be interested in that and it may be interesting to swap the figures. For instance, the figures of the Dairy Cow set mixed with the naked hiking scene could be interesting.

There is also a “Cucumber Picking Set” which you could mix in with any of the above. I’ll leave you to think about all the possibilities.

Just one more and this is in the best possible taste (if you’re German). This is “the Peeing Dogs Set”.

READER’S WIVES:

Now then, I know you’ve speedread through my nonsense to get to the reader’s photos. I wonder if I could persuade any readers’ wives to submit any photos. Oh yes, that caught your interest, didn’t it. Well, sorry no sticky stuff on this blog however you may wish to have a look at my other blog, www.modeltrainwidows.com/phil.

Caught you! It didn’t work, did it. Those of you who fell for my trick should be ashamed of yourselves.

RIP BERNARD CRIBBENS 1928-2022:

I want to recognise the passing of Bernard Cribbens. He had a few associations with railways, real and model. He was one of the stars of “The Railway Children” which is an ideal excuse to put up a photo of, yes, you guessed it, one of his co-stars, the delectable Jenny Agutter.

ED Comments: No, not that one, this one

If you want to see more, a lot more, of Jenny dig out a DVD of her film “Walkabout”

I thought Bernard Cribbins’ finest film where he played Irish criminal, “Nervous O’Toole” was “The Wrong Arm of The Law” I’ve got it on DVD and watch it regularly. It is brilliant although another great British comedy actor, Lionel Jeffries, steals the show from Bernard and the great Peter Sellers. Another great performance in that film is from Tutte Lemkow as Siggy Schmoltz the nervous bomb-maker from Hamburg. It is a great British film comedy. Watch it. Bernard also starred in another great British film, “The Railway Children”.

Bernard, was also, famously miniaturised (I’ve checked the speelign) to advertise Hornby Railways.

A man of great talents, he also drove Mallard!

And NannyBarb has just reminded me that he also appeared alongside John Cleese in an episode of Fawlty Towers where he played spoon salesman Mr Hutchinson who is mistaken by Basil Fawlty for a hotel inspector. It is classic farce.

And let’s not forget his “musical career” with such classics as “Hole I The Ground” and “Right Said Fred” which obviously influenced these buffooniums.

RIP BUSTER EDWARDS 1931-1994

Here’s another interesting film link with railways as one of the original Great Tran robbers, Buster Edwards who was released in 1975 could be regularly seen at his flower stall outside Waterloo station. The man obviously loved the railway. Phil Collins played him in the film, “Buster” He committed suicide in 1994, Buster, not Phil!

WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT OF BLAGGERS, FIRE UP THE MORRIS MINOR:

Despite my love for diesels as against steam I bought the Hornby Railroad version of the fantastic “Flying Scotsman” (with sound). It is magnificent and even I can see why so many of you love the steam era. My brother in Australia is always begging me for videos of my Flying Scotsman. Although I’m not totally convinced about steam – too many milk churns and Morris Minor police cars -Why on Earth were our police forces supplied with Morris Minors! You won’t see the Sweeney in a Morris MInor chasing blaggers driving a Jaguar Mk 10.

I can’t see Philip Glenister as Gene Hunt ever saying “Fire up the Morris Minor”

NOT Z CARS:

In a recent blog that I mentioned a Morris Minor police car which I thought was ridiculous. I found some more crazy police cars in Hattons fantastic catalogue which they send out to accompany every purchase. What on Earth persuaded the police to use some of the following vehicles. These models are based on real police cars. Here are just a few:

The Americans were always a bit more flasher with their logos and flashing lights

DEMIS ROUSSOSS -HOW DID HE GET IN HERE?

Perfectly complementing the film, Blade Runner is the soundtrack created by Vangelis who also supplied the music for Chariots of Fire, another great film but doesn’t feature any trains although the ferry taking the British team to France could be a Speedlink ferry (run by British Rail). Vangelis started life as a musician in Greek band, Aphrodite’s Child. They were described as a “progressive band”. If that wasn’t bad enough the band also featured Demis Roussoss as their singer. While Vangelis went on to greatness Demi, the bloke with a very-high pitched voice and an XXXXXL kaftan, went on to Top of The Pops. Here’s a reminder.

Oh dear, he’s wearing flip-flops!!!!

I’M NOT A MODELLER BUT MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR, TIMEO, IS:

If you’ve been reading this blog from it’s birth you’ll be well aware that I am NOT a modeller. I don’t have any of the required skills that most of you have. Consequently I have to ask people to help me out. I’m lucky to have some great neighbours and my best “assistant” is next door neighbour, Timeo. This young lad is going to be very rich. He’s good at EVERYTHING.

Timeo built most of these houses while I built the dark one at the top. You can see the shafts of light coming through between it’s walls. I placed the buildings on the layout and you can see the light coming through underneath. Timeo would have positioned them perfectly.

NOT ALL OIRISH PEOPLE ARE TERRORISTS:

Jimbo was a colleague of mine when we worked in Dover Customs & Excise. He’s a great bloke and runs me around in his car as I’m not yet allowed to drive since my stroke. Ed. Comments- yes yes we know you had a stroke-move on I should also tell you he’s Irish coming from the loyalist enclave of Londonderry but for some inexplicable reason he refers to Londonderry as just Derry. I think it’s an Irish thing!

This is Jimbo happily carrying out my instructions.

Being simple-minded he was fascinated using my mini-hoover to give the board a blow-job

But sometimes he gets fed up with my clear instructions

And, sometimes, as here, he can be a bit precious

Soon after this blog was uploaded NannyBarb told me that a Mr Adams had called from Northern Ireland and he wasn’t happy!

BANG:

At this point I will remind you of what happened when I installed a dimmer switch to control my living room lights. I bought the dimmer from B&Q and took it home. I removed the switch plate from the wall and saw funny wires and metal “things” inside. I was intrigued so used my screwdriver to poke at this “stuff”.

There was a big bang and I shot backwards. Stupid eh! I returned to the funny wires and metal things and did exactly the same thing and it happened again. Only then did I consult the instructions and saw the warning to switch off the electricity at the Mains. You’ll be pleased to know that now I have Phillips Hue smart lights installed. They are brilliant, you can change colour and intensity with, just your voice if you have Amazon’s Alexa.

Grandson Harrison finds it hilarious to shout instructions to Alexa. BUT since my stroke (ED comments: Yes, here we go) I’ve forgotten how to set them. Maybe NannyBarb was right about just using the wall switch! When I was in hospital (Editor Comments; Again?) my greatest fear was that I would forget where my trains were and how to get them going

EYESIGHT:

My eyesight is getting very poor, and I have to use a torch to get some diesels onto the track. BUT I could not find the torch which was last seen in Harrison’s hands! So it could be anywhere now. I’m beginning to think he does these tricks to send me to an early grave.  (Editor Comments: Here we go - the stroke) Ignore the editor (old age is causing this cruel eyesight problem and some others too!!!!!!!)

So unable to get the 37 on the track I pulled out another loco, a Virgin Pendolino. Why do I sometimes get confused and call it “Virgin Peccadillo” (Editor Comments: THAT is definitely the stroke). Good grief man I’m creating a literary work of genius here. I’ll resume. So, with the Virgin Peccadillo, oops, Pendolino, on track it decided not to move. Yes, the track was a bit mucky from my attempts to re-route the track taking in the new bigger R609 curves. So I got my bottle of Isopropyl which I use with jewellery cleaning cloths to clean the track-both available from Amazon and much better and cheaper than “Track Magic” and better for the track than track rubbers.

PHOBIAS AND MY FAMILY:

I have to remove wooden struts to my Trackside posters I have a weird phobia. I hate (with a passion) little sticks. I’ve no idea when this started but it wouldn’t surprise me if my big brother, Robert, is involved. He was always doing disgusting things like sticking a match up his nose as I was trying to eat my supper. He was a very good and subtle torturer! So, I hate things like match sticks – so much so that I would never buy any “Matchbox” cars-remember them? And don’t get me started on toothpicks. Sometimes in films you see somebody speaking while he’s holding a match or a toothpick in his mouth. Toothpick, matches, etc. All these things are horrendous. Anyway, here’s some photos of the advertising board with wooden struts still in place.

While I’m on about phobias I should mention another couple I have. First is the Adams Apple. I never shave over mine because I fear the blade may open up my neck and my Adams Apple will fall out. Then there’s the drinking straw which is similar to sticks. I’m old enough to have experienced free milk at my primary school.

Some of my fellow brats used to take pleasure in sticking their straws up their noses (probably learnt from my brother). I’m not sure if this led to a Cocaine habit. And finally, another primary school problem was when any of the other brats used to pull down their face revealing the goo under their eyes. I think my brother did this too. Did I hate my brother? No, I didn’t. He’s the bravest guy I know. He’s beaten cancer, survived open heart surgery and took his family to Australia in 1982 to give his kids, Alyson and Paul, a better chance of getting a job. Back in 1982 there was a serious unemployment problem in the Highlands, so it was a brave attempt to help his family and it worked but I imagine those first days in Perth were difficult as they looked for somewhere to live.

Speaking of his kids, Alyson and Paul, they both had horrendous eating habits. I remember a day I spent with them up in Inverness when I took them out for a meal, I’m not sure who was worse. It resembled the old Chimpanzee Tea Party which was held every afternoon at London Zoo although the chimps weren’t quite as messy. Paul would repeatedly cough up mouthfuls of food while Alyson lifted the ham off her plate, held it above her upturned head and dangled it towards her mouth biting bits off it. Sometimes she forked the ham and then held the ham and the fork above her head to eat it. It was horrific to me. I had to leave the restaurant! I blame my brother and, hopefully, they can eat with some dignity now.

No, they can’t

Here's Paul demonstrating his eating habits even now in Perth, WA

I didn’t want to post a photo of Alyson pigging her way through bits of ham

Lucky Australia!

Rob’s co-workers In Inverness got revenge for having to watch him chomp his way through some pies the day before he married his true-love, Mary.

RAILWAY ECONOMICS:

Hornby’s Lumo

I’m going to mention a company who are trying to do their bit for the Earth and that’s Lumo who have trains travelling to Edinburgh from Kings Cross and their mission is to take air passengers away from the sky down to Lumo. They offer seats at a low of £19. I’d love to know what their profit is, but I bet it’s good because their trains are packed. There is only one class available, but you can pre-book your food online-very important for me!

So, if Lumo can do this why can’t LNER do it. You need a computer these days to work out cost of seats on LNER on the ECML and Avanti on the WCML. Discount cards can cut 30% of your fares but it’s still a lot of money. Travelling on LNER from Kings Cross to Edinburgh on LNER will cost you at least £70. It’s important, too, that the journey time for that trip is just over 4 hours. Years ago, back in the 70s that journey took at least 6 hours and the trains were disgustingly dirty and never on time. So, I reckon Lumo are on a winner here and travelling with them means you don’t have to get out to Gatwick or Heathrow, another time waster. I hope Lumo’s success influences LNER and all train companies to review their ticketing system.

If I want to travel home to Inverness on the Caledonian Sleeper, it will cost me £315 for a club room (with en-suite toilet and shower). A “Classic” would cost me £270! And I know from experience that that train is nearly always late. However, a seat would cost just £55 which isn’t too bad, but the journey takes about 12 long hours, and the last few hours seems to take forever. My first trip with one of my mates on the way home for Xmas was actually quite good fun as we both had bottles of bottles of Glenmorangie which we were soon sharing with our fellow passengers including some American girls who soon began to appreciate the warming affects of a good “dram”. I imagine the sleeper service is used mainly by tourists and businessmen. But I wonder if cutting the sleeper cabin costs by 50% would see enough fare-paying passengers for the service to make a bigger profit. I really think that our rail companies should try something revolutionary as cutting fares. If I had access to their statistics, I could do it for them. It’s just simple Maths that’s needed.

I’ll give you an example: A train has 6 passengers who have each paid £5 for their seat. Now let’s say that with the cost of a ticket reduced to £2 you would need to sell 15 tickets to make the same profit. But I believe you would sell a lot more tickets if the seat prices were lowered drastically. It gets even better when you look at longer trips so let’s look at Kings Cross to Edinburgh Waverley (by the way if you ever travel to Waverley take some time to view the stunning roof). In my mind there is only 1 city greater than Edinburgh and that’s New York. The cheapest ticket is £53, and you have to book months in advance.

Trainline offers a seat at £44.90 (If booked well in advance). The next tariff is £76 so let’s look at that one. We’ll say our imaginary rail company, we’ll call it Barraclough Rail after our leader here. So, Barraclough Rail have sold 10 tickets at £76 each. That’s a total of £760 income, then Lumo turn up and offer you a ticket for £48.90 they would have to sell 15.5 seats to get their £760 but coaches hold 52 passengers so if you sell them all you will receive £2542.80.

While I’m on about advance bookings SCNF (France) allow you to book seats up to 3 months in advance. Early bookings are heavily discounted. Eurostar do it too.

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The views and opinions expressed within the content are solely the author's and do not reflect the opinions and beliefs of Trackside Signs or its affiliates.